When Schools Don’t See It: Masking Autism in Girls - Mummy Of Four

Does your child seem neurodivergent at home but not at school? If so, you’re not alone. Many girls with autism mask their symptoms in structured environments like school, leaving parents feeling unsupported or even doubted when trying to pursue an assessment.

Watch The Video Podcast

Listen To The Podcast Via Your Favourite Podcast Provider

I recently received a heartfelt message from a follower, and it resonated so much with my own experience. Here’s what they said:

“Hi lovely, I hope this message finds you and yours well. I have been following your YouTube for quite a while now and it’s so nice to see a mum talk so openly about the challenges they face with neurodivergent children. I have suspected my little girl has ASD for around four years now; she is seven. We have had to move schools; however, even at her new school (which is so much better), they say they see she is anxious but don’t believe she is autistic. Her meltdowns at home are extreme, and her meltdowns about going to school are also extreme—they rule our life at the moment.

School says she has friends, she doesn’t worry them, and things such as her comprehension and ability level are too high to suggest autism. However, I cannot shake this gut feeling. I know you said one of your girls, I think Bella, had no concerns at school. How did you deal with this? I feel like they are looking at me like I’m crazy. I just don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated so much 💜”

First of all, if you’re feeling like this, please know you’re not crazy. You’re a parent who knows their child best. Let me share my story, some advice, and tips that helped me through a similar situation.

Table Of Contents

When Bella’s School Had No Concerns

When Bella was younger, I had this exact battle. At home, the signs were so clear: meltdowns, sensory issues, struggles with routines, and a complete exhaustion from holding it all together during the school day. But at school? No concerns. Not one.

The teachers would say things like, “She’s a delight in class,” or “She has friends and is coping well.” They saw the happy, compliant version of Bella that she worked so hard to present. What they didn’t see was how masking drained her. By the time she got home, her anxiety would overflow, and we would be left picking up the pieces.

At times, I doubted myself. I wondered if I was imagining things. But deep down, I knew what I was seeing wasn’t normal.

Trust Your Gut

The first thing I want to say is this: trust your gut. If you feel like something is going on, you’re probably right. Masking is incredibly common in girls, and it’s one of the main reasons their autism often goes undiagnosed or misdiagnosed for years.

Schools don’t always see what happens behind closed doors, so they may not fully understand what you’re dealing with at home. That doesn’t make your experience—or your child’s struggles—any less valid.

Practical Tips for Parents

Here are some steps you can take if you’re facing a similar situation.

1. Keep a Journal

Start logging incidents at home. Write down what you’re seeing: meltdowns, sensory issues, anxieties, and anything else that feels significant. Include times, dates, and even triggers if you can identify them. Over time, patterns will emerge, and this can become invaluable evidence for conversations with schools or professionals.

**2. Use My 100 Signs of Autism PDF**

If you’re not sure how to spot potential signs, I’ve created a 100 Signs of Autism PDF that’s helped so many parents. Use it as a checklist to document the behaviours you see and compare them to what’s happening at school. Sometimes, presenting this information can help schools see a fuller picture.

Get The PDF

3. Seek External Support

If the school isn’t on board, consider reaching out to your GP, a paediatrician, or an autism specialist. Even without the school’s agreement, you can still seek an assessment. Private assessments, while costly, can be an option if you’re struggling to get support through the usual routes. Make sure that the provider you choose is recognised by the NHS and local authority.

4. Approach the School Strategically

When talking to the school, focus on collaboration rather than confrontation. Share your journal, explain your concerns, and frame the conversation as a partnership to support your child. You could say, “I’m seeing these behaviours at home, and I’d love your help understanding if she’s struggling in ways we haven’t identified yet.”

5. Be Your Child’s Advocate

You are your child’s biggest advocate. Don’t be afraid to push for what they need, even if it feels uncomfortable. Remember, your job isn’t to please the school—it’s to do what’s best for your child.

You’re Not Alone

It’s hard not to feel isolated when schools don’t see what you see, but I promise you’re not alone. So many parents are navigating this same journey. Trust yourself, gather evidence, and don’t give up.

If you have any questions or want me to cover specific topics in future blog posts or podcast episodes, send them my way. You can also subscribe to my podcast or YouTube channel for more tips and stories about raising neurodivergent children.

You’ve got this. 💜