I have compiled a handy, nay, life-saving guide, to things that you should NEVER say to a pregnant lady who is nearing her due date, if you value your life at least.
Some people have beautiful, glowing pregnancies. They wax lyrical about how wonderful they feel, how much energy they have and how much they just love being pregnant. Not me.
Although the pregnancy portion of my life is over, I don’t think I’ll ever forget those agonising months, (well 3 years in total), of my life. I did not “do pregnancy” well. My only pregnancy glow was a fine sheen of sweat from throwing up. Or fainting. Or generally being so massive that the simple act of moving around caused me to massively overheat. As much as I adore every one of my babies, and they were worth every agonising minute, make no mistake, every single minute of pregnancy was hell.
So as you can imagine, as my due date approached each time I became increasingly cantankerous. Between the SPD (an agonising condition where your pelvis comes apart during pregnancy and you feel like you have been attacked with a hack saw) causing agonising pain every time I moved (or indeed stayed still for too long), blood pressure fluctuations, fainting episodes, severe headaches, visual disturbances and hospital stays, I was a woman on the edge of exploding. Somehow I managed not to murder anyone (more luck than anything else).
Still, all of this can be made worse by something called “public property syndrome”. This is something that they do not put in the pregnancy books. As soon as you announce that you are carrying a new life, so it begins. Suddenly, every man and his dog is apparently entitled to have an opinion and pass common on the state of your body, your sex life and your lady bits. As anyone who has ever been pregnant will testify, this is infuriating.
So that you may avoid death-by-pregnant-lady in the future, I have put together a handy list of things to avoid saying;
“Still pregnant then?”
Oh am I? Really? Hadn’t noticed.
“Have you had the baby yet?”
Yes, we had the baby but decided to keep it a secret. This is a cushion shoved up my jumper in order to keep up the charade.
“Are you sure you haven’t got twins in there?”
Don’t know, could be! Maybe the sonographers got it wrong during the 8 scans I had? Maybe they said it was twins and I didn’t listen? Or maybe I was so irresponsible that I had no prenatal care and no scans at all?
So yes, quite bloody sure thank you. It’s just a baby and shed loads of cake.
“You are carrying around the back this time”
You don’t carry babies at the back, you carry them at the front. The area to which you are referring is pure fat. It is from the aforementioned cake.
“You’re bump is looking small”
Are you saying there is something wrong with my baby????
“Are you worried about doing a poo in labour?”
No. Are you worried about being punched in the face by an angry pregnant woman?
And the very worst one of all………
*silently touches bump without permission*
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???? How would you like it if I randomly touched your flabby stomach? Oh that wouldn’t be ok? Well you know what pal? It’s not okay to touch the bump either. It is NEVER okay to touch the bump. NOW GO AND GET ME SOME CAKE BEFORE I KILL THEN EAT YOU!
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So, dear reader, please bear in mind these things next time one of your friends or colleagues is nearing her due date. You have been warned.